Stop. Stop everything you are doing. What is the most dangerous substance in your house today? What threatens the very veil of existence behind which your children stay but a step from mortality? From Death's gaze? Why, none other than the sickest invention yet to penetrate our virgin shores: The Nintendo DS. That's right, the ancient myth was true- this electronic pandora's box leaves our children wide-open spread-eagled for child molestors. Its insiduous design abuses our every security, and FOX News is out there bringing its Promethean insight to the crisis.
This is so absurd I feel like I'm on bizarro internet. BTW, FOX you should know that the internet has amazing graphics and a feature that lets anyone chat with your kids from a bit more than 300 feet away… try anywhere in the frickin' globe.
'Course not everyone far from your kids is a child molestor. Some are just kingpins of sin, like this school teacher in a remote Ural village being thrown into the Gulag for software piracy. Gorby, my main man, you do realize Microsoft has little to do with the chap being pressed into slavery at your uranium labor camps, right? Oh wait, they made a complaint. I guess the Russian penal system has no choice then, I mean, there was a complaint.
In other news, but on nearly the same Richter scale of sillytude, Apple is complaining about DRM, as it is the only thing keeping them from making music accessible to all. Unlike .aac and its ban in France. Hey, I know DRM is Big Brother, but I didn't need Stalin to tell me.
I blame it all on global warming, 'cuz a global crack epidemic is the one other logical explanation.