nintendo

All posts tagged nintendo

Round-up of some recent cool stuff worth wasting internet mileage on:

Sushi Samurai – You remember this game, I promise!

Portals – Jaw-dropping in the possibilities it offers!

Dead RisingShaun of the Dead meets Postal? I dunno, but it's shapin' up. Take cleavage shots of local madames to boost wrist strength and stamina. Awesome.

TMNT – Do you really need more than four letters?

And finally, a message from Nintendo may contain the date of the Wii's release encoded in itself. Speaking of, wouldn't Da Vinci have made an amazing game designer?

E3 pics are up!

Most of the big news probably slaps you in the face at each and every game site, so I'm going to stick with impressions and hands-ons, and leave headlines out of this. Overall, this E3 was probably the best one I've been to, with less focus on graphics and more focus on gameplay overall, with the exceptions of the two you-know-whos. Booth babe quality wasn't bad even with clothing restrictions, and watching Fatal1ty bring some wannabe to the brink of tears on the The Longest Yard conversion to Quake4 had me and Xstine laughing our asses off.

So without further ado…

Microsoft Impressions:
Xbox 360 games continue to look better, and I continue to think about getting one. Games look as a they should on a $400 system. Gears of War looked phenomenal of course, but Huxley was surprisingly fun too considering the amount of lag this FPS MMO had, and I was dukin' it with a roundtable of over 30 people. And its framerate was still a SIGHT better than the Crysis engine game, which when not in that Siberia known as the 10-minute loading screen, was trying to impress us with spring-collision driven foliage bending nonsense at a blistering 4 fps. 3D benchmarks are a FAR CRY from being games, please.
Still, Lumines on XBox Live and the announcement of Windows Vista allowing PC and console gamers to meet in sweet swiss bliss gave the system the edge. In Peter Moore's own words, why buy a PS3 when yyou can get both a Wii and a 360 for the same money? As much as I hate the guy, he's right as rain.
Oh yes, Viva Piñata looks rad (see pic), and besides some framerate problems, has got real style. Good job Rare… finally…
7/10

Nintendo Impressions:
As fanatical as the gaming media has been so far about the Wii, I have a huge complaint. I never got to play the damn thing since the line of lines, the sweat-infused meta-line that wrapped itself around the vortex of Nintendo's creative navel, was so entangled that I had not the ken to locate its extradimensional entry point. Dammit Nintendo, you spoke of playing is believing, but put your new console in the furthest reaches of E3's 9th circle of hell. My heart wept for a chance to play Super Smash Bros Brawl, but my melatonin begged for just one more day of sunlight.
Still, just watching the announcers playing Wii Sonic on the big screen by just tilting the controller left and right filled me with an instinctual, pheromonal kind of parasymptomatic gravitation back to West Hall over and over. Instead, I settled for some DS games, like Magnetica (aka Zuma) and Brain Training. Why is Sudoku so damn addicting.
8/10

Sony Impressions:
Let's forget about the price for a second, and the feature trickery. Do the games look good? Well, as you can see in the photos, their setup at E3 was still running on a bunch of dev kits, but at the moment it looks good. Not $200 good, mind you, but good. Warhawk wasn't very fun, but had that impressive kind of fluidity and SFX density that reminded me of great Dreamcast rail shooters. Madden looked godawful, honestly, with horribly overdone fur/grass. Heavenly Sword looked pretty good, like a PC version of Devil May Cry, although pixilated self-shadowing and jerky animation need work.
The booth area was pretty packed, and people were cheering like mad at the Final Fantasy trailers, but the actual wait time to get into the private showings was about 5 minutes. There will definitely be a market for PS3, evidenced my the throngs of people in the Singstar booth and the Country Karaoke Revolution game. The PSP, btw, went the way of the N-Gage.

4/10

PC Impressions:
I was pleasantly surprised. Hellgate: London continues to look great, and although the avatars are ugly, the gameplay is smooth and addicting just to even watch. The Conan MMORPG was graphically beautiful, especially the horse animations, but it seems like there was stuff being killed only when I looked away. Boring.
Xstine and I are both excited about Neverwinter Nights 2, and eye-rolly about World of Warcraft's expansion and its new Dranei Alliance race. NCSoft held a pretty exciting Guild Wars: Factions tournament with Koreans slaughtering Koreans, but nothing was nearly as exciting as THIS…..


8/10

Finally, some of the coolest things we saw there were these two toys:

Hurray! After living in Opera day in and day out, I've finally got a chance to wax poetic about Opera not just to to every living thing around me, but across the evil empire of unwashed masses. From now on, as part of the the Opera secret police, I will be able to feed you the latest regarding Opera and Nintendo. I hope to invent doublespeak next, and declare war on Oceania.

So folks, what is Opera, the most revolutionary browser, going to do with Nintendo, the most revolutionary game company? Well, how about the soon-to-be-officially-announced Opera Wii.

Opera Wii.

It will load nigh-instantly, and one can only imagine the synergy that is Opera mouse-gestures vis-à-vis the incredible Wii controller. Could it form the UI for the Wii network? Or even for the whole system? Not impossible.

I am currently extracting more information from my hapless leaks, but I hope this gets your imagination roiling. Official statement. With the Wii's 24/7 constant connection that promises to bring new content in daily, we aren't playing Animal Crossing anymore, we're living it. Meanwhile, read more here.

Signed,
Tom "Big Brother" Nook.

So the news is out. Sony Playstation 3 will be out November 17th at a cost that could buy you two hot hookers for three hot hours. And if you're the kinda swank who shells out extra for greek lessons, you'd be able to get a REAL PS3.

That's correct, there are two versions of the PS3, the poor rich man's edition, and the rich man's edition. The first is for people who somehow can cough up $499 for a 20GB version, but not $599 for the 60GB version. The $599 version includes Wifi, HDMI outputs, memory/SD slots, and rumble… which renders the other version impotent for all intents and purposes. It's like shelling out for $499 for a lady of the night and having her tell ya she ain't going to do it standing. Or sitting. Or even with YOUR dick. Heck she ain't even got a hole.

But that's not the announcement that bothered me, no sirree boob. Here's the shocker. Remember the boomerang? Well, it went flying out the window, and has flown back stripped of all original innovations, but dripping in the blood of victimized Wii. They've gone back to using the original controller design, except with bluetooth and… MOTION SENSING! Who didn't see that coming? Who didn't expect Sony to fake an orgasm and deem it the performance of the night? Oh, that's right, gamer virgins. Of which only 6 out of 10 Americans still are.

Sigh. Honestly, their plagarism would be a lot less shameful if it was implemented with a modicum of creativity. I mean, the controller only detects tilt while in motion! I call shenanigans! And I mean the urethra burning type!

Xstine and I will be heading down for E3 again, so give me a call folks if you're going to be in town. We'll probably be staying at my parent's place as usual. We'll head down Wednesday night and be back up Saturday night.

I've never gone to E3 for a console launch, which is what I'm hoping this time will be. I dearly want to see the Wii and the somewhat want to see the PS3 in action. So far, current-gen X360 games have failed to impress, mainly due to poor and rushed art direction than raw horsepower, but I fully expect that to change soon. Gears of War should be there, and possibly Halo 3, giving our American Ford-Focused console a boost in mileage.

I'll be sure bring my camera to try to capture the idiocies, geniuses, and spectrum defiances that happens in Kentia Hall. Unlike when I was Taiwan, I will probably have a harder time capturing a ghost on film… the Phantom is teh bust. But one can mock hope.

The funny thing is that E3 won't be the most exciting thing of the trip. That honor goes to my intention to do 120mph down the 5 at night in our new G35 while simultaneously thinking of insurance and loan payments. In fact, someone should invent a real driving sim with those realities built into a paranoia meter on the edge of the screen, with reckless driving fueling you with adrenaline and a screaming gal in the passenger seat. Zoom zoom zoom capoeira wants to zoom.

If Guitar Hero 2 is there, however, I won't be coming back. :headbang:

So the shitstorm struck, and in the aftermath, new lines of loyalty were drawn, and an illusively stable Nintendo fan-base fractured under duress to assess what type of "hard-core" it was. The naming of the new console was a beacon of meaning for the darkest corners of the internet as factions rose and fell. Perhaps after this post, you'll join my militia of moderates.

I held off making any real comment about the Wii because I already knew I didn't like the name. But I wanted to see what it was doing to what has become an exceedingly machismonized industry. I can't help but chuckle to myself when I see PS3 and see "Pee Niss Three" and see XBox as "EXTREEEEEEEMEEEEE BOX! I'M EXTREEEEEME!!!" There has been unmitigated penis envy twixt consoles, you must admit. From the Harley-Dellvidson to the fixation of the gaming crowd on every last megahertz of graphical power, the Booth Babe Bonanza to the rippling breasteses that don no less than 40% of game covers, there is a culture where we look for the most swollen member of Best Buy unzipped.

And then comes Nintendo. Thrusting its Wii into the wet, yearning generation gap between the casual gamers leg and savage circumcised pro-gamers leg, Nintendo is going to do something none of its teen-primed competition could do- hold its load in there without busting a nut under five. Yes it's called Wii, but this wee Wii isn't trying to overcompensate. It's got big balls and it ain't afraid to swing'em.

Remember when video games were in their innocent adolescence? When Final Fantasy was a fantasy ensemble, not the roman-numeralized coming-of-age story it later became, focused on one young misunderstood guy with a huge phallic weapon? Remember when Final Fantasy 9 came out with its intelligent cast and no gun/sword/phallus combo weapons? Remember how it failed miserably and the schlongsword came back? That is the world game characters have to survive in today. They have to be angrier, bigger, and more silentlypowerful than ever. I blame the chauvinist undercurrent of modern Japan. But we all knew Americans were like that already.

If those days had not lovingly masturbated terms like "Emotion Engine" and "real-time" to this very moment, I think the Wii would be flaccidly normal. But instead, there is an elementally uneducated crowd of potential gamers out there who don't know what Playcubes and XStations are, and can't move two analog sticks at the same time. They just know that fiddling with your "controller" is what kids do when their parents aren't home. They know Guitar Hero makes sense, does what you expect, doesn't want you to hold R1 to aim then L1 to lock then A to shoot.

These folks are going to stupidly pour money into something that they can understand, as I did with my DS. They aren't going to feel retarded asking for something called the Hyper Game Machine VIII. They are going to wonder why people over 25 years old still snicker about the word "wee" as if it were the forbidden tee-hee at the playground. They are smart enough to realize this Freudian pratfall of a name serves as a miraculously efficient mechanism to point out the silliness of console hard-ons.

Here are people who will pick up a Wii, and across all ages and experience levels will feel empowered, not engorged. In their hands, this erect controller will offer the maturest control. Wii will offer accessibility. Wii will offer understanding. Wii will offer some fuckin' balls. What it lacks in length, it makes up with a girth encompassing a universe of folks who have yet to be addicted to Zelda. It's going to be the Kama Sutra of Consoles, giving you a mindfuck from forty creative positions. Those still worrying about hairy palms can have their recess in Halo voice chat, I'm past that point in life.

Wii? Yeah's it's a stupidest name of any console yet. But only because the collective boner has learnt us to expect something… well… more… EXTREEEEEEME!!!

So which do you want first? Too bad, adherent to my title, you get bad first.

THE BAD NEWS!

Nintendo Revolution's official name is…. get this… get ready…

Wii

Pronounced "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." I hope this is more along the lines of their semi-official names like Nintendo Ultra and Nintendo Nitro. I have a feeling it is, and will change, but darn it do they have to do this to us every E3? I'm mad hyped up on the Rev, and this was a major downer, on the level of bucket-of-cold-water-on-the-penis-at-4-am. I would rather it be called the Nintendo Revolutionary Pwnage Masheen. That way we could acronymically dub it the RPM and splash its adds with hot biker chicks with sleazy cleavage easing kids into a round of motion-sensing bitchslaps wi-fi wifey-style.

The RPM. $299. Harley not included. I liiiiike it. I do not like Wii. I will not play on my Nintendo World-war-two. Please give me a name that doesn't make me buy a 360.

THE GOOD NEWS! :hat:

Xstine and I have added a new member to our family! After much pregnant discussion and hours of labor, the stork delivered to us a beautiful…

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baby '04 Infiniti G35 with a shock of desert gold trim, weighing in at a healthy ton, and with a slap on its ass she gave us a vivacious engine cry from 0-60 mph. Though exhausted, we immediately celebrated by going out and and buying bags of power bars and canned food to mitigate our next five years of debt.

Incidentally, in the process of buying this car, I found out what happened to my stolen Maxima. Doing a credit report to figure out why my excellent credit score was being rejected by online leasing sites, I noticed a strange collection notice. I immediately called this nefarious collection agency up and they told me they represented a towing company. Apparently my innocent Maxima was parked illegally and towed away. The towing company now wants me to foot towing, impound, and DMV transfer fees for when they SOLD MY CAR.

Ha ha. I told them straight-up what a fuckin' scam. How about I start my own yard, steal cars, and then after a few days charge people impound fees to get it back.

Well I later called back to let them know that according to my lawyer, vehicle code section 14602.6 stipulates in no uncertain terms that should they pursue me to a small-claims court, either they will lose when I show my police report, or they will win, but wherein I am still only liable for but half the impound fees since I wasn't contacted within two days. The net amount would earn them about $68 from me. And that's without me countersuing them for selling off a ~$2000 car for $625. The collection agency whined! But sir! We don't think you'd win! Do you REALLY REALLY CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO DIE HAVE A POLICE REPORT?! Why yes I fuckin' do. I gently suggested they might be in collusion with their client.

We'll see how this tale unfolds, but I don't see my wallet with a mouthful of Oakland cock. Never again.