All posts tagged ps3

So the shitstorm struck, and in the aftermath, new lines of loyalty were drawn, and an illusively stable Nintendo fan-base fractured under duress to assess what type of "hard-core" it was. The naming of the new console was a beacon of meaning for the darkest corners of the internet as factions rose and fell. Perhaps after this post, you'll join my militia of moderates.

I held off making any real comment about the Wii because I already knew I didn't like the name. But I wanted to see what it was doing to what has become an exceedingly machismonized industry. I can't help but chuckle to myself when I see PS3 and see "Pee Niss Three" and see XBox as "EXTREEEEEEEMEEEEE BOX! I'M EXTREEEEEME!!!" There has been unmitigated penis envy twixt consoles, you must admit. From the Harley-Dellvidson to the fixation of the gaming crowd on every last megahertz of graphical power, the Booth Babe Bonanza to the rippling breasteses that don no less than 40% of game covers, there is a culture where we look for the most swollen member of Best Buy unzipped.

And then comes Nintendo. Thrusting its Wii into the wet, yearning generation gap between the casual gamers leg and savage circumcised pro-gamers leg, Nintendo is going to do something none of its teen-primed competition could do- hold its load in there without busting a nut under five. Yes it's called Wii, but this wee Wii isn't trying to overcompensate. It's got big balls and it ain't afraid to swing'em.

Remember when video games were in their innocent adolescence? When Final Fantasy was a fantasy ensemble, not the roman-numeralized coming-of-age story it later became, focused on one young misunderstood guy with a huge phallic weapon? Remember when Final Fantasy 9 came out with its intelligent cast and no gun/sword/phallus combo weapons? Remember how it failed miserably and the schlongsword came back? That is the world game characters have to survive in today. They have to be angrier, bigger, and more silentlypowerful than ever. I blame the chauvinist undercurrent of modern Japan. But we all knew Americans were like that already.

If those days had not lovingly masturbated terms like "Emotion Engine" and "real-time" to this very moment, I think the Wii would be flaccidly normal. But instead, there is an elementally uneducated crowd of potential gamers out there who don't know what Playcubes and XStations are, and can't move two analog sticks at the same time. They just know that fiddling with your "controller" is what kids do when their parents aren't home. They know Guitar Hero makes sense, does what you expect, doesn't want you to hold R1 to aim then L1 to lock then A to shoot.

These folks are going to stupidly pour money into something that they can understand, as I did with my DS. They aren't going to feel retarded asking for something called the Hyper Game Machine VIII. They are going to wonder why people over 25 years old still snicker about the word "wee" as if it were the forbidden tee-hee at the playground. They are smart enough to realize this Freudian pratfall of a name serves as a miraculously efficient mechanism to point out the silliness of console hard-ons.

Here are people who will pick up a Wii, and across all ages and experience levels will feel empowered, not engorged. In their hands, this erect controller will offer the maturest control. Wii will offer accessibility. Wii will offer understanding. Wii will offer some fuckin' balls. What it lacks in length, it makes up with a girth encompassing a universe of folks who have yet to be addicted to Zelda. It's going to be the Kama Sutra of Consoles, giving you a mindfuck from forty creative positions. Those still worrying about hairy palms can have their recess in Halo voice chat, I'm past that point in life.

Wii? Yeah's it's a stupidest name of any console yet. But only because the collective boner has learnt us to expect something… well… more… EXTREEEEEEME!!!

Let's pretend this cute spokes-pre-teen for Sega inspired this rant, I need an excuse to post her. I'm not a huge fan of Japanese chicks, but this one looks genetically cultivated and bionically enhanced to be the ruling anime Amazonian in the jungle of the shamefully kawaii.

While it would be fun to jump in on the virtual carnaval of Sony hatred that the recent rumors of PS3 development going awry, the AACS re-delay of Blue-Ray standards, and a poorly written but spiritually semi-competent report from Merrill Lynch have drummed up among the webernet, I think I'll stay out of it.

As much as I despise Sony for being the new content tyrant with their draconian DRM/rootkit stances and their insistence on forcing new (read: their) formats down our throats, to me it's almost a non-issue that pricing point will affect my future purchases from now on. With quality these days being hit or miss personified, my wallet and my wife are not going to stand idly by to see me gamble for a good game.

Merrill Lynch says the PS3 will cost them $900 per unit. More power to them, both of them. My purchase line-up is already determined:

DS Lite
Some DS games
Some DS games
Hellgate: London X2
Fallout 3
Some DS games
Revolution games
Neverwinter Nights 2

As a working couple, we really have less and less time now to spend playing games that the other doesn't care about. Cooperative games will be huge in the future, mark my words. We had our stint in the XboxLiveness of random multiplayer, and it's simply not as satisfying as playing with people you know. I don't give a crap about Blu-Ray, as I'm going to end up streaming a harddrive to my TV. I want to kill shit. With my gal.

In the meantime, it's been interesting to be at the sidelines of this dismal, blinded war, and I wish I could take bets like in Fantasy Football. Take this Google map of game legislation and this Google map of game company locations, squint really hard and it… kinda… looks like Gondor and Mordor on the eve of the final battle. My Tim Schafer the White with his double+ 2 to imagination is losing the profit dice rolls against the Democrat ringwraiths, despite the fall of Jack Thompson from Isengard. Am I losing my mind?

In other news, I am unable to beat Cowboys From Hell on Hard anymore. Excuse me, as I have a wrist to break.