revolution

All posts tagged revolution

So the shitstorm struck, and in the aftermath, new lines of loyalty were drawn, and an illusively stable Nintendo fan-base fractured under duress to assess what type of "hard-core" it was. The naming of the new console was a beacon of meaning for the darkest corners of the internet as factions rose and fell. Perhaps after this post, you'll join my militia of moderates.

I held off making any real comment about the Wii because I already knew I didn't like the name. But I wanted to see what it was doing to what has become an exceedingly machismonized industry. I can't help but chuckle to myself when I see PS3 and see "Pee Niss Three" and see XBox as "EXTREEEEEEEMEEEEE BOX! I'M EXTREEEEEME!!!" There has been unmitigated penis envy twixt consoles, you must admit. From the Harley-Dellvidson to the fixation of the gaming crowd on every last megahertz of graphical power, the Booth Babe Bonanza to the rippling breasteses that don no less than 40% of game covers, there is a culture where we look for the most swollen member of Best Buy unzipped.

And then comes Nintendo. Thrusting its Wii into the wet, yearning generation gap between the casual gamers leg and savage circumcised pro-gamers leg, Nintendo is going to do something none of its teen-primed competition could do- hold its load in there without busting a nut under five. Yes it's called Wii, but this wee Wii isn't trying to overcompensate. It's got big balls and it ain't afraid to swing'em.

Remember when video games were in their innocent adolescence? When Final Fantasy was a fantasy ensemble, not the roman-numeralized coming-of-age story it later became, focused on one young misunderstood guy with a huge phallic weapon? Remember when Final Fantasy 9 came out with its intelligent cast and no gun/sword/phallus combo weapons? Remember how it failed miserably and the schlongsword came back? That is the world game characters have to survive in today. They have to be angrier, bigger, and more silentlypowerful than ever. I blame the chauvinist undercurrent of modern Japan. But we all knew Americans were like that already.

If those days had not lovingly masturbated terms like "Emotion Engine" and "real-time" to this very moment, I think the Wii would be flaccidly normal. But instead, there is an elementally uneducated crowd of potential gamers out there who don't know what Playcubes and XStations are, and can't move two analog sticks at the same time. They just know that fiddling with your "controller" is what kids do when their parents aren't home. They know Guitar Hero makes sense, does what you expect, doesn't want you to hold R1 to aim then L1 to lock then A to shoot.

These folks are going to stupidly pour money into something that they can understand, as I did with my DS. They aren't going to feel retarded asking for something called the Hyper Game Machine VIII. They are going to wonder why people over 25 years old still snicker about the word "wee" as if it were the forbidden tee-hee at the playground. They are smart enough to realize this Freudian pratfall of a name serves as a miraculously efficient mechanism to point out the silliness of console hard-ons.

Here are people who will pick up a Wii, and across all ages and experience levels will feel empowered, not engorged. In their hands, this erect controller will offer the maturest control. Wii will offer accessibility. Wii will offer understanding. Wii will offer some fuckin' balls. What it lacks in length, it makes up with a girth encompassing a universe of folks who have yet to be addicted to Zelda. It's going to be the Kama Sutra of Consoles, giving you a mindfuck from forty creative positions. Those still worrying about hairy palms can have their recess in Halo voice chat, I'm past that point in life.

Wii? Yeah's it's a stupidest name of any console yet. But only because the collective boner has learnt us to expect something… well… more… EXTREEEEEEME!!!

So which do you want first? Too bad, adherent to my title, you get bad first.

THE BAD NEWS!

Nintendo Revolution's official name is…. get this… get ready…

Wii

Pronounced "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." I hope this is more along the lines of their semi-official names like Nintendo Ultra and Nintendo Nitro. I have a feeling it is, and will change, but darn it do they have to do this to us every E3? I'm mad hyped up on the Rev, and this was a major downer, on the level of bucket-of-cold-water-on-the-penis-at-4-am. I would rather it be called the Nintendo Revolutionary Pwnage Masheen. That way we could acronymically dub it the RPM and splash its adds with hot biker chicks with sleazy cleavage easing kids into a round of motion-sensing bitchslaps wi-fi wifey-style.

The RPM. $299. Harley not included. I liiiiike it. I do not like Wii. I will not play on my Nintendo World-war-two. Please give me a name that doesn't make me buy a 360.

THE GOOD NEWS! :hat:

Xstine and I have added a new member to our family! After much pregnant discussion and hours of labor, the stork delivered to us a beautiful…

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baby '04 Infiniti G35 with a shock of desert gold trim, weighing in at a healthy ton, and with a slap on its ass she gave us a vivacious engine cry from 0-60 mph. Though exhausted, we immediately celebrated by going out and and buying bags of power bars and canned food to mitigate our next five years of debt.

Incidentally, in the process of buying this car, I found out what happened to my stolen Maxima. Doing a credit report to figure out why my excellent credit score was being rejected by online leasing sites, I noticed a strange collection notice. I immediately called this nefarious collection agency up and they told me they represented a towing company. Apparently my innocent Maxima was parked illegally and towed away. The towing company now wants me to foot towing, impound, and DMV transfer fees for when they SOLD MY CAR.

Ha ha. I told them straight-up what a fuckin' scam. How about I start my own yard, steal cars, and then after a few days charge people impound fees to get it back.

Well I later called back to let them know that according to my lawyer, vehicle code section 14602.6 stipulates in no uncertain terms that should they pursue me to a small-claims court, either they will lose when I show my police report, or they will win, but wherein I am still only liable for but half the impound fees since I wasn't contacted within two days. The net amount would earn them about $68 from me. And that's without me countersuing them for selling off a ~$2000 car for $625. The collection agency whined! But sir! We don't think you'd win! Do you REALLY REALLY CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO DIE HAVE A POLICE REPORT?! Why yes I fuckin' do. I gently suggested they might be in collusion with their client.

We'll see how this tale unfolds, but I don't see my wallet with a mouthful of Oakland cock. Never again.

They say a picture is worth a thousand snarks.

Looks like someone discovered you can improve on sliced bread by slicing something else. Too bad they chose styrofoam.

Completely OT, but I've been ruminatin' and I've come to the conclusion that Metal : Classical :: Rap : Jazz. The first two are anthems of intricate, controlled design that chooses emotional milestones to build you up to. So we get monumental slabs of polyrhythmic genius book-ended by that Beethoven legacy telling us to just rawk. On the other hand, the latter two must be immediate to be relevant, creative in execution, natural and organic. Even when post-processed, it is done so to sound living, be it through instrument improvisations or gang roll-calls.

Well, I'm not sure what my conclusions say, other than insinuating that metalheads have a harder time swallowing jazz than the classics and vice versa, but one thing's for sure… I've just taxonomized the musical etymology showing why white folks can't dance.

The joke keeps getting told, but despite all predictions, it has not gotten funnier. The hype-factory that keeps dry-humping what it perceives to be hip young media coverage hasn't stopped touting the holy hyphenation of "Next-Gen" long enough to tell us what has taken that mantle that is actually, pardon my Korean, fucking fun for godsakes. I can't pretend that the dive down the Uncanny Valley is a rollercoaster of hardyparty.

I had my doubts, as probably most people did, but the Nintendo DS still managed to sell out in Japan, and now the redundant Gameboy Micro is picking up too. This ugly, gaudy, gimmicky device really hauled a tactile ass. Phoenix Wright is out-of-stock says Capcom. Any objections? HD-DVD add-on for the XBox 360? Are you fuckin' smokin'? How about a penis attachment for the sleek pimp that drew too quick? The sex they're selling sure feels granny.

What is it that separates Nintendo rehashed games from the rehashed games of every other system? I can't quite place my finger on it, other than the fact that a 5-yr old could tell ya Mario World to Mario Sunshine is a bigger koopa hop than Splinter Cell A, B, and C. What should worry the other big boys is that the Big N has started to work on its greatest flaw… stubbornness. I don't get it, but I keep underestimating them along with everyone else. Given the popularity of Geometry Wars and Hexic, I predict Revolution to be a shameless smash. Brothers. Online. Please. For. The. Love. Of. Gawd.

And with that, my quota for taking deities in vain has been filled for the day.