Xbox

All posts tagged Xbox

The joke keeps getting told, but despite all predictions, it has not gotten funnier. The hype-factory that keeps dry-humping what it perceives to be hip young media coverage hasn't stopped touting the holy hyphenation of "Next-Gen" long enough to tell us what has taken that mantle that is actually, pardon my Korean, fucking fun for godsakes. I can't pretend that the dive down the Uncanny Valley is a rollercoaster of hardyparty.

I had my doubts, as probably most people did, but the Nintendo DS still managed to sell out in Japan, and now the redundant Gameboy Micro is picking up too. This ugly, gaudy, gimmicky device really hauled a tactile ass. Phoenix Wright is out-of-stock says Capcom. Any objections? HD-DVD add-on for the XBox 360? Are you fuckin' smokin'? How about a penis attachment for the sleek pimp that drew too quick? The sex they're selling sure feels granny.

What is it that separates Nintendo rehashed games from the rehashed games of every other system? I can't quite place my finger on it, other than the fact that a 5-yr old could tell ya Mario World to Mario Sunshine is a bigger koopa hop than Splinter Cell A, B, and C. What should worry the other big boys is that the Big N has started to work on its greatest flaw… stubbornness. I don't get it, but I keep underestimating them along with everyone else. Given the popularity of Geometry Wars and Hexic, I predict Revolution to be a shameless smash. Brothers. Online. Please. For. The. Love. Of. Gawd.

And with that, my quota for taking deities in vain has been filled for the day.

Well I've had my DS for a while now, and I've got to say I'm not sorry I sold off the XBox. I think UC2, KOTOR, Psychonauts, Jade Empire, Norrath, and X-Men Legends 2 were all I really needed to play, and even then much of these were redundant. 'Cept Psychonauts, which was brillianza.

So I think it's time to do a quick DS review.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Just finished last night, it really took me back to old school text adventure days. Engaging story, interesting characters, and some real laugh-out-loud moments makes this a must have. The forensic stuff on the fifth mission was hilarious… I was on the BART blowing fingerprint dust off my DS and yelling OBJECTION! into the mic, netting me stares aplenty. It even jerked a tear out of Xstine.
9 outta 10 Clarence Darrow unibrows.

Kirby's Canvas Curse
Fun, but not mandatory. However, every so often I bust this one out just to get the glee of drawing magic rainbows for Kirby to slide around on. As an outsider, you'd think it's pretty flamboyant for me to play. As an insider, you'd understand this is what's going on in my mind.
7 outta 10 Lucky Charms

Meteos
This is supposed to be the DS' answer to Lumines on the PSP. I can't say it's better or worse, just different, the way PCP is a patently different high than morphine. Yeah. You scrub tiles and when they form the lovable trio every puzzle game on earth courts… BAM! The whole thing lifts off! Very fun, but I need someone to destroy badly.
7 outta 10 Siberian craters

Metroid Prime Pinball
Holy fuckin' funballs, Batman, I think I'm in love. I love handheld pinball, but this has been the most thematically replete one yet. Killer soundtrack, great minigames, tough bosses, and perfect physics. Even though it uses the stylus/touch screen the least, the dual screens really help since pinball is all about verticality. Addicted.
9.5 outta 10 Angry Chewbaccas

Overall, I'm loving the system, although it's screens really have poor visibility from an angle. It's been a while since I've fought myself over which title to get next, but I've been doing it at every buy.

I know this picture gives the geek inside you the chills…

That's right, the X-Men 3 teaser is out. It's very good. I can't wait to hear Vinnie Jones quip "You can call me Juggy if it makesh ya happy." I had my doubts, but this one looks like a heck of a lotta fun, even without Bishop (HOW CAN THEY NOT HAVE BISHOP). I was playing the X-Men Legends 2 on Xbox and he was pure badassery with a melee build, smokin' even Juggs and Kurt. I think Xstine would have played it with me if they had White Queen and made the menu screen much less painful, but I'm sure that wouldn't have sat well with feminazi's world wide. The menu screen I mean. 😉

Speaking of the Xbox, here's neat side-by-side screenshot comparison survey of the Xbox and the 360. Very interesting. I also saw Dan's 360 last night and I've got to say, Kameo is as frikkin' sweet as Perfect Dark is a big, sad zero. Enemies seem to need a couple minutes to check their watch and contemplate Nietzsche when you headshot them, punctuating their pain with a hilarious "Crap!" followed by a parenthetical "Dude!" Kameo, on the other hand, looks like a real launch title: it's gorgeous, well animated, has rich characters, and doesn't abuse the normal maps past the bounds of good taste. I got the giddy feeling I got at first touch with Bonk and Super Mario Bros.

"Charlize Theron has her Oscar. Now she has her Catwoman."– David Frese

This movie's relationship to the animation that inspired it is the equivalent of the relationship between the Fight Club game and the Fight Club movie. Peter Chung's Aeon Flux was a psychonanalytical vignette of action movie cliches. This vacuous movie, then, is a two hour din caused by the infinite whiffing sound of what modern man amended to the metrosexual moral code- the "missing the goddamn point" effect. It's as if someone directed a videogame based movie on the intellectual property and cheat codes listed at GameFAQS alone. I'm sorry, it's already been done. I'm sorry, it hasn't STOPPED being done.

So I'm kinda pissed at this triumvirate approach. Film, game, comic/book. The loss in intramedium translation is endemic to entertainment, who as an industry seem to think entertaining entails keeping costumes but culling characters. Unfortunately, given the longer and more prestigious history of film, it is videogames that suffer the stigma. It sure doesn't help when only 3 of 18 the XBox 260 launch titles are sequels, remakes, or otherwise unoriginal. Which is already a far better track record than EA, who defines the gaming mainstream.

Is it any surprise that there is such a clamor for cheaper games? In the past eight years, the game industry has grown 120% in sales, but only the top 5% (80 titles a year) turn a profit, and Lord Voldemorte puts most of those out. After even inflation, why aren't games cheaper? Development costs have soared, of course, countering all the advancements in the ease of making games compared to the yesteryear. And for what? Market saturation of sequentially sequelized sequels that either emulate or get emulated on celluloid by ever more virtual casts. Koyaanisqatsi. I fear for our gaming future. Why hasn't AI changed since Wolfenstein?

On a side note, DO NOT install the Google desktop tool. It (and tools like it) in combination with an updated IE will open your computer up to abuse and exploitation.

Pat Morita aka Mr. Miyagi passed away. He probably did for karate what Bruce Lee did for kung fu. And that is to say, lead dumb fat Americans to be better at it than the asians. But hey, that's the asian's perogative to be prideful to the point of self-damaging. Every time I hear the phrase "sleeping Dragon" to describe China I just laugh at what is actually a drugged up Chimera flopping mid-air on borrowed time, borrowed money.

I was reading some criticism about Richard Duncan's excellent book The Dollar Crisis, and some guy comments that Duncan is wrong, Chinese banks do NOT use the national surplus as criteria for credit expansion. So I did a little research. That's right, they do not. BUT! Criteria for credit expansion is set by the STATE, and the commies can tell their banks to do whatever they want, and I'm sure the state uses the surplus as a sign of more credit. To say chinese banks are more cognizant of the problems that led to Japan's downfall is probably right. To say chinese banks are therefore less corrupt and in a better position is WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG.

But I'm ok. I just recieved my Everbank papers and have dumped significant funds into the Marketsafe S&P and Gold Bullion certificates. Everbank, btw, has been excellent so far, with customer service easy to reach and a personal letter from the CEO who's vision and distrust of the Federal Reserve matches mine. They are an excellent hedging solution, the only bad thing I can see is the bewilderingly pisspoor webpage design.

Phoenix Wright awaits. BTW, if you bought an XBox 360, be aware that it can scratch up your games. I also just met a guy last nite who's friend was the one that posted the shots of 360 crashes. Rumors abound on how high failure rate is (he claimed 15% but that's hard to believe), but no one should be surprised since this happens with nearly every hardware launch. I would have gotten one myself probably if Joanna Dark didn't look like a rap-rocker now.

It's Thanksfuckingivings, the most gridironed week of the year. I remember one year going down to LA wa so bad we had to pull off the 5 and crash at Steve's brother's place for a few hours before we could make it thru the rest of LA. Every single local street was carnival that night. I'm ecstatic that I'm not going down this week.

Not that I have a choice, as Xstine is working overtime this whole week, turkeys be banged. I'm reading about the Xbox launch, with seemed to go smoothly with only a few crashes here and there. I really should have got one, they've been selling like crazy on eBay. Come PS3, I'm going to buy out a whole pallet full of them. Then I'm going to set up a booth around Rodeo Dr. and scalp rich people. Just like the way the Barnes&Noble internet cafe is scalping me for writing this.

ANYWAYS, enjoy the holiday everyone. For some great holiday reading, hit up Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga. Tycho at Penny Arcade had one comic where he was gravely crafting a story for a hideously cliche fantasy series, and fans decided to breath life into this mockery of all that is pen-n-paperery tomfoolery by writing a massive Wiki for this fake saga. Some of the funnier items remind me of Kingdom of Loathing, of which I still haven't attempted ascension. My Pastamancer is awaiting the ulimate pet from Mr. Store, or to save enough for a pet raincloud to replace my hovering sombrero.